Let’s face it here…shit happens.
If we are honest with ourselves, we must admit that sometimes it is our own fault. Sometimes it is definitely NOT!
People try to use you (not in any kinky good way). People try to lie to you. People try to take advantage of you. Family takes you for granted. Friends resent you. Co-workers take credit for your work. The boss yells for you to work faster/better/more so that HE looks good. Other drivers cut you off in traffic. The counter help at the local fast food joint can’t make simple change at the register. Your stylist fucks up your hair. The cable repair guy shows up 5 hours later than he said he’d be there. Your neighbor, once again, spouts his/her propaganda and rhetoric that you have repeatedly said you don’t want to hear. The auto repair that was promised at one price is now three times as much. The waitress swears the coffee is decaf but at 3AM you realize she lied! The item the store promised via phone to hold for you until you got there, has been sold to someone else.
Trouble abounds. Stress ensues. Pressure builds. Something gives.
We all have them…THOSE moments.
Things I wish I could say in THOSE moments….
1. Well I can see that the “Fuck-Up Fairy has been here again.
2. I am already imagining what your mouth will look like once I cover it in duct tape.
3. No, I am not being rude. I just don’t give a flying fuck about you or what you have to say today.
4. Yes I can see the point you’re trying to make, but I still think you are full of shit.
5. I see that you think you should be worshiped. Too bad I’m an atheist.
6. What am I? A flypaper for freaks?
7. You want this when? How about NEVER? Is that good for you cause that’s good for me.
8. I see you have set aside time to humiliate yourself in public. Good for you. Well done. You’ve succeeded.
9. I have no idea what the fuck your problem is, but I am sure it is hard to pronounce and needs medication.
10. I will really try to be nicer providing you try to be smarter.
11. I see your mouth moving but all I hear coming out is “I’m a tool, I’m a tool, I’m a tool…”
12. You are really validating my inherit distrust of strangers.
13. Thanks for your opinion. But if I had wanted it, I would have choked you until you crapped it out.
14. Any connection between your reality and THE REALITY is purely coincidental.
15. I can see you forgot your necessary medications again today.
16. You know, I can fix what’s wrong with you. But it is gonna take a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery.
17. You actually sound reasonable today. Guess that means you upped the dosage, right?
18. I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I forgot that you’re an idiot.
19. I sorta like you. You remind me of when I too was young and stupid.
20. Was the umbilical cord wrapped around your neck at birth? Cause I think it cut off oxygen to your brain.
21. Even McGyver couldn’t fix you.
Here’s hoping your life has less shit, more smiles, less hate and more love.
And remember, it is the “crazies” that make life fun and entertaining. Normal people are boring.
On second thought…maybe I’m the one that’s crazy.